Consent - It's Not about Gender

Something’s been bothering me about the current round of rape awareness going around online and in the media. It’s not about whether the girl was asking for it, or in any way partially culpable for the assault (which, by the way, for those of you who don’t get it, she wasn’t). It isn’t about whether the boys did anything wrong (again, for the clueless, they did). It’s that, once again, when awareness of the fact that perhaps not everyone out there is properly clued in on whether it’s okay to engage in sexual activity with someone without their consent, there is a basic assumption being thrown around that is patently false.

That basic assumption that underlies the majority of the language being used in the discussion is that it is only men who commit sexual assault, and only women who are assaulted. This is the furthest thing from the case. No, I am not exaggerating here. Most of the conversation boils down to “Men need to be better educated in what sexual assault and consent are.” Let me clue you in to something. This basic assumption, whether those wielding it realize it or not, is every bit as misogynistic as the notion men might have a “right” to take advantage of a vulnerable girl.

Men can be raped, too. Women can do the raping. It goes both ways. Heck, both sexes don’t even have to be involved. Women can rape women; men can rape men. And not only CAN it happen, it DOES happen.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. At the hands of another male. I survived repeated instances of it for almost 3 years. I was too young to give consent. (And, honestly, I don’t think I ever really did anyway, but that’s beside the point). And I am most decidedly a heterosexual male.

What the conversation really needs to do, is focus on consent. Any act, without the full consent of all parties involved, whether male or female, is wrong. If he or she is passed out, and unable to give consent, don’t fuck with them. This runs the gamut from painting on their face to deciding it’s cool to have sex with them because they can’t stop you. If they’re conscious, and they say no at any point in time, STOP. It doesn’t matter if they started out saying “yes”. The moment “no” is said, consent has been revoked. You stop. If they’re too young, or too drunk, or too drugged, or no of sufficient mental capacity to be able to make an informed decision, leave them be.

It’s simple, and shouldn’t need volumes of discourse to figure out.

If informed consent has not been given, don’t do it to them.

If they are unable to give informed consent, don’t do it to them.

If they gave consent but then change their mind and revoke it, don’t do it to them.

Period.

It doesn’t matter if they’re a guy or a girl.

It doesn’t matter if you are a guy or a girl.

Just. Don’t. do it.